Shit on my hands

Pets

Good news, lovers of difficult pets. Your asthmatic Burmese or panicky Whippet HAS actually taught you some valuable lessons about what to expect as a parent, primarily that their needs take absolute precedent. Unfortunately, your pet will continue to stridently adhere to the ‘me first’ principle irrespective of your new unavailability to tend, slave-like, to their every wish and whim.

Your pet is likely to be discombobulated by the arrival of your baby (to be clear, we are talking about cats and dogs here. Things that live in tanks will be unfazed by their new housemate). The transition from an open-door policy on freshly caught rodents and unlimited stroking sessions, to a ban on bed sleeping and restricted lap time can induce feelings of deep abandonment in domestic animals. As much as preserving the self-esteem of an overweight poodle may not be your priority in the first few months of parenthood, it’s important to reassure them they’re still loved. It also reduces the likelihood of your pet taking up a foul new habit or anxious tic. From turning the house into a urinal to compulsively licking metallic objects, animals have many unsubtle ways of expressing their displeasure.

It’s wise to consider and take precautions against all the worst-case scenarios involving pet-baby interactions. It may be a cute sight to behold, but beware the quietly glowering cat eyeing off baby as they lay side by side on the playmat. Cats will happily disembowel ducks given half a chance, so don’t think they’re above swiping your baby on the nose. Also, try to view the bassinette, cot and stroller through the eyes of your moggie. Confined spaces, replete with blankets that smell like milk – what’s not to love? And hey, if there’s an infant in the way, you just lie on top of them. Double score – human heat source and immobilised enemy. Dogs, meanwhile, may be confused as to who has priority in the pack – them or the bald squawky interloper. Make it clear to the shih tzu that the baby is not a pesky younger brother they can beat up on, but another human overlord.

Of course, once you’ve got the pets all educated as to appropriate behaviour vis-à-vis the new family member, there’s the arduous process of training the kid not to torture them. Riding the dog around the backyard like they’re in Race 3 at Randwick; dumping vats of glitter in the cat’s glue-pasted ears – these are only a few examples of the many and varied ways your toddler will exercise their imagination and growing physical dexterity against their furry housemate. But be comforted that you have only a few years of this caper before child and pet will be living together in relative harmony. Just as they finally reach a truce and put an end to years of mutual fang-bearing and eye-gouging, Buster will come to the end of his allotted dog years, and you’ll be conjuring images of a fantastical canine Shangri-la to assure your child that doggy is in a happy place.