Shit on my hands

BB

I’m quite sure I’ve helped my three year old dodge a mental health bullet by choosing to separate from her father. She was 19 months old when we parted ways, and beginning to register the strain of living in a perpetually tense environment. It was without question the only way to keep all three of us out of therapy/jail/a psych ward, and we’re all doing well now.  Yet when I delve into any of the innumerable parenting tomes available, more often than not I’m struck by the archaic views on single mums held by supposedly learned experts. I don’t expect to be told that every child of single parents will come up roses. I don’t expect to be coddled and told that my actions will not impact my child. But I would have thought it was quite reasonable to expect non-judgemental and encouraging advice for parents who, it’s safe to assume, will have thought long and hard about their decision to splinter the family. Advice that recognises that social stigma is no longer the noose around the neck of single mothers it once was.

Instead, time and time again, I’m advised of the very real possibility of short, medium, and long term damage to my child. The specifics are always sketchy;  exactly what these problems are is unclear, but the authors confidently maintain children of divorce can expect a future of maladjusted misery.  I’m told single parents have much higher rates of poverty. I’m informed I’ll be far less adept at disciplining my child, and when I do, I’ll likely explode into ineffectual rage.

I’m sneeringly advised that ‘since the urge to divorce appears to be so common, perhaps you would like to check your chances of survival against this checklist ‘.The checklist helpfully lists at length all the terrible fates that await the single parent, and warns that high self esteem will be needed to fend off ‘put-downs, gossip, and mischevious rumour’ And, no, this is not advice from a quaint 50’s guidebook. This is current.

As someone who’s now been a single mother for longer than I was a partnered one , I’m pretty certain that , yes, my daughter will be a wayward teen,  but not because she has two homes. She’ll in fact be following a fine family tradition of adolescent arseholery, one that has flourished under stable nuclear family set-ups. My parents stayed together: I was as morose, belligerent, and maladjusted a teen as you could hope to find. All around me, it seems frequently the case that the people whose parents stayed together struggle more to maintain relationships. This is not to suggest that the key to producing happy adults is through childhood divorce. But it clearly  does not consign a kid to a lifetime of dysfunctional relationships, or spell the end of a contented childhood. It is not the worst thing than can happen to a child, or a parent, and we need books that reflect this. Pressuring people to make sure they tick all the boxes in the ‘single parent survival’ checklist only creates more fear around a decision that’s fraught enough as it is. And if you don’t tick all the boxes, what are you supposed to do? Suck it up and prolong a doomed relationship? Children who watch their parents fight, who drink in the poisonous atmosphere created by two deeply dissatisfied parents – those are the children to worry about.

What my daughter has is this: two parents who put her first and are at pains to demonstrate the fact. She has a relationship with her Dad that is infinitely more relaxed and loving now that the parental tension has been removed.  She has two homes filled with the things that are comforting and familiar to her. She has plenty of great relationships with other adults, who with any luck will be there to support and guide her as she grows up. She has had difficulties adjusting, without doubt. I would prefer her to have had an early life free of turbulence. But if this is the worst thing she has to face as a child, I’ll be grateful. She is kissed, cuddled, and cared for every day, she’s sweet as hell, she’s kind to animals, and she thinks the Wiggles are tacky. Nobody can tell me I’ve failed as a parent.