February 2012
3 posts
The magic of opposable digits
MH
I would like to say that my nearly six-month old daughter is such a brilliant day sleeper because second time around I am a relaxed, easygoing mother; because I’ve always aimed for her to be in her cot the moment she shows the signs of tiredness; because I swaddled the bejesus out of her from birth to 5 months; because I demand breast feed; because when she was a newborn I let her grizzle, even...
Where Saffy's waters break over Patsy →
‘Absolutely Fabulous’ gold
No more cafes or trams
MH
Some days you find yourself comfortably in the black in the parenting-a-nearly-3-year-old general ledger. You’ve read ‘Lazy Daisy, Busy Lizzie’ to her at least 7 times; you’ve prepared from scratch delicious and nutritious carrot and ginger soup (which she happily devours), and you’ve cleared out the long-neglected toy box so it no longer harbours dust balls the size of small rodents or long...
January 2012
3 posts
Reposting: teen mums and 'One born every minute'
Babies being inspected at the Kew wing of Royal Women’s Hospital, 1958
MH
For a significant whack of the twentieth century, the Sisters of St Joseph operated a home for unmarried mothers in Grattan Street, Carlton. Located opposite the old Royal Women’s Hospital, it admitted young pregnant girls (often sent from small country towns by their ashamed families), looked after them for the...
Warning: may include references to shampoo bottles...
MH
On Boxing Day hubby enjoyed the cricket at the MCG and I imbibed my body weight in leftover Christmas pudding, kept two small people fed/entertained/rested, and followed with great amusement the Twitter feed of that fabulous feminist rabble-rouser Clementine Ford. Included in a loooong list of things giving her the pip was: ‘Fuck pop culture pretending chicks don’t masturbate just as...
December 2011
1 post
Every blog post needs a reference to the 1979...
MH
I’ve had a magnificent Christmas indulging in not only fruit mince tarts and various pig meats, but three Australian books: ‘Autumn Laing’ by Alex Miller, ‘Melbourne’ by Sophie Cunningham and ‘House of Sticks’ by Peggy Frew. This last one had a real domestic thriller page-turner quality but the protagonist, Bonnie, a respected guitarist buried in the daily/nightly routines of raising twin...
November 2011
3 posts
Sh*t on my hands excerpt: Sleep: part three
There’s a glorious period after your baby starts sleeping through the night when bedtime is a relatively simple affair. A bit of warm milk, a couple of cosy bedtime tales, a big hug, and Bob’s Your Uncle. You’ll have the pleasure of eavesdropping on your child as he puts himself to sleep with some sublimely sweet and ridiculous self-soothing rituals: fake snoring; singing loud tuneless lullabies...
She-Ra Warrior Princess eat your heart out
MH
Getting your forklift licence. Completing a mini triathlon. Accurately painting a male nude. These are all great achievements. But what about pushing a toddler to the shops in her pram with an infant strapped to your chest, navigating a supermarket, then successfully ordering and consuming a short macchiato (while supervising said toddler’s babycino-drinking endeavours) in a ridiculously tiny...
'Sh*t on my hands' excerpt: Food Battles
When the time comes to raise that first spoonful of solids to your baby’s milk-moustached mouth, you’ll probably have some idea of the sorts of things you would and would not like them to eat. Lollies and meat pies = bad. Wholemeal pasta and broccoli = good. Your kid will probably comply for a while and devour plates brimming with whole grains and greens: ‘Aren’t you a good baby’, you’ll coo...
October 2011
3 posts
Poorly researched ideas about primary school...
BB
Given that my daughter can still squeeze into size 2 clothing, and is at a stage in her development where she thinks trying to store alphabet magnets in her vagina is funny , I haven’t yet done a lot of hand wringing over where she’ll go to school. She’s three. I only just finalised her middle name. Cheerfully moronic people like me, who spend all their money on miniature Eames chairs and...
Condoms are my friends, condoms are my friends (or...
BB
Having a second child is as much a priority for me as experimenting with chili-coated tampons. I like babies. They can’t walk or talk and they look good in peter pan collars, all qualities I find immensely appealing. MH’s new daughter makes my ovaries undulate painfully, in what I interpret as a plaintive cry from below to use my loins for good instead of evil. I ignore those rumblings in a...
September 2011
8 posts
Part One in an as yet untitled series, loosely...
BB
I was the last person in my class at school to own a Hypercolour tee shirt, and by the time I started needling my Mum for purple checked Stussy shorts, all the other girls had ditched the surf gear and decided they wanted to look like strung out donkeys in fuck me boots after watching Pretty Woman. Which is to say, I never see trends coming. By the time I spot them, they’ve generally already...
Mammary Madness
MH
On the third morning after PJ’s birth I traipsed gingerly (only 3 stitches, but ow!) to the bathroom and copped an eyeful in the mirror. Oh yeah, baby! I was spilling out over the top of my breastfeeding singlet. I immediately alerted my husband and SOMH co-correspondent by text that The Mad Cans Have Arrived. Hubby’s response: ‘Lucky me!’; BB’s: ‘Make sure you get a photo.’ ‘Check ‘em out,’ I...
Sh*t in the mother-in-law's mouth
Another delightful shitful anecdote from one of our followers (understandably she’s staying anonymous to protect family members!):
Our twins were born 10 weeks early. They were soo small. and part of being so small is have a small bum hole!! Anyway, our littlest twin at the time had a habit of not being able to pass what went in very well. We are talking like 2-3 weeks he would go...
These words may come back to haunt me when my...
BB
I’m quite sure I’ve helped my three year old dodge a mental health bullet by choosing to separate from her father. She was 19 months old when we parted ways, and beginning to register the strain of living in a perpetually tense environment. It was without question the only way to keep all three of us out of therapy/jail/a psych ward, and we’re all doing well now. Yet when I delve into any of...
Baby products you don't need →
We could add expensive baby walkers, a huge stack of 0000 size gro suits …
Even vintage style doyennes get covered in the...
Candice DeVille (aka SuperKawaiiMama) lives, teaches and breathes glamour. Here is her blog:
http://www.superkawaiimama.com.au/
But here she recalls a somewhat unglamorous gift she received from her toddler:
One afternoon, I’m relaxing in my sitting room watching the garden, where Miss 2 was playing, through the lovely French doors. It was a rare moment of quiet as she played...
The birth of PJ, 27 August 2011
MH
The fourth day of the fortieth week of gestation began like this: Woke up to mild gripping sensations in my bum. Could these be contractions or just nerves from the drawn out anticipation of childbirth? Either way, we had an appointment with the obstetrician. We made a plan with him to do a stretch and sweep the following Monday if nothing happened over the weekend and, if foetus still...
August 2011
3 posts
'Pets' - excerpt from 'Shit On My Hands: A down...
Pets
Good news, lovers of difficult pets. Your asthmatic Burmese or panicky Whippet HAS actually taught you some valuable lessons about what to expect as a parent, primarily that their needs take absolute precedent. Unfortunately, your pet will continue to stridently adhere to the ‘me first’ principle irrespective of your new unavailability to tend, slave-like, to their every wish and whim.
Your...
Not long!
MH
I’ve got probably a week to go until my second-born arrives, and I’m amazed (so far) by how calm I’m feeling. Sure, there is more than the odd occasion when I’m completely struck dumb with terror and overcome with tears (usually during dinner for some reason – nothing to do with M’s cooking) by the prospect of another round of childbirth. I don’t know what’s worse – having no idea what you’re...
January 2011
2 posts
Number Two
MH
The second child is sometimes conceived while the parents are still fully occupied in feeding, burping and wiping the small bottom of the firstborn. That sneaky shag, miraculously undertaken in a half-comatose state by a couple mistakenly relying on breastfeeding as birth control can, and often does, result in another pregnancy. The mother may notice a sudden addiction to processed cheese...
Get ready to let the good times flow again
MH
One day, while making a quick dash to the loo between various dull household tasks (scraping weetbix off the kitchen wall with a spatula, anyone?) you will look down to the crotch of your knickers and notice blood. So unfamiliar are you with this experience that you have an instant flashback to being a 12-year-old in the primary school toilets lacking both a sanitary pad and the knowledge of...
October 2010
1 post
Tickled, but not pink
BB
I may have been tickled pink with the knowledge I was having a girl, but that didn’t mean I was ready to embrace all that came with it, aesthetically speaking. Sure, I entertained fantasies of doing stupid stuff with her hair and making her wear knee high socks with sandals (mission accomplished on both counts), but my idea was that we’d be giving all things pink and princessy the wide...
July 2010
2 posts
I tried to write about genetic testing but...
BB
I’ve had quite a week. Every so often, around once every six months, my body breaks down in a lavish display of ill-health. Attractively, this week my sorrows have taken the form of a sort of whole body ulcer – mouth, stomach, ear (well, the thing on my ear is a cyst, if you must know). Daughter-free time has been spent lying in bed, lamenting the state of the corpse like cavity I carry my...
June 2010
4 posts
'Yes, I am a little worried about shitting during... →
MH
In this Wheeler Centre video, Melbourne writer Monica Dux challenges the ‘pregnancy happiness culture’.
You're Gonna Hate Me For This One. Don't Worry:...
BB
I’ve long been simultaneously in agreement with the principles of the eco-warrior set, and repelled by the sense of smug superiority that many who espouse a green way of living seem to emanate. It’s a movement embraced in large part by educated upper middle class professionals with the time and money to buy organic produce and build ecologically sound homes. I absolutely agree with a...
Single mothers do it damned tough →
MH
So give them some respect! And for further info on the history of Australian single mothers and their children check out this excellent book by Shurlee Swain and Renate Howe
...
There are some happy teenagers out there! And...
MH
I was delighted to read today of a longitudinal American study that has found teenagers of lesbian parents to be more socially adjusted and less prone to juvenile delinquency, depression and engaging in risky behaviours such as midnight sexual encounters with 30-year-old men in public parks (oh wait, maybe that was just me) than kids raised in ‘traditional’ family units. Take that...
May 2010
3 posts
The Mother Who Mistook Her Life For a Blister
BB
Hand, foot, and mouth disease. Slapped cheek virus. Kawaski Syndrome. Epiglottitis. There’s a whole world of fruity diseases out there that most of us are blissfully ignorant of until we come into close contact with small children. Don’t be fooled by their fun, wacky names; these illnesses have the power to send you running headlong into the nearest firy pit. Sadly, Northcote is apparently...
Work + baby = me go bananas
MH
This is what I have to say about combining part-time work and a 14-month-old: AVOID! I don’t know if it’s easier when your child is older, or if I’m just a crap multi-tasker, but I am counting down the remaining four weeks of the university semester the same way I used to count down the days of my period (which mercifully hasn’t returned since I was knocked up). This state of affairs commenced...
Mothers with Oscars (statues not sons) →
April 2010
1 post
Allow me to digress from infant related matters...
BB
I don’t know about you, but I came of age at a time where teenage girls gave nary a thought to their appearance, were unmoved by the antics of their male counterparts, and spent every spare moment with their pert young noses buried in important works of literature. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to head out to the countryside for a leisurely drive, and watch pigs fly.
Memo to Natasha...
February 2010
2 posts
Requiem for a Rack
BB
Once upon a time, I wore a bra, and in that bra I housed a couple of rather magnificent mammaries. Alas, those mammaries are now little more than memories. I was warned about sleepless nights. I was warned about relationship woes. I was warned about stretchmarks, colic, mastitis, and the perils of co-sleeping. (Tick! Tick! Tick!)No one, but NO ONE, warned me that after 17 months of...
'Get Me Out': Making Babies Through The Ages →
This book looks ace
January 2010
6 posts
Call out!
Hi SOMH followers, we’re in the early stages of transforming our blog ramblings into a coherent book and need your feedback! Tentatively titled ‘Shit on my hands: The anti-guide to early motherhood’ the book will (hopefully) be an entertaining, illuminating and no-holds barred exploration of raising a small human, aged 0-2.
Now tell us, what topics would YOU like covered in a...
'Motherhood: too bad, it was your choice' →
MH
Here another writer and mumma, Koraly, writes in Overland about some of the similar issues I raised in my last post - tho’ somewhat more eloquently!
'Bloody prams, grrr, grumble, grumble ...'
MH
On the news the other night was a story about Summernats which, in case you are unaware, is a celebration of noisy, fumey car culture held annually in Canberra. If you are the kind of woman who prefers not to walk past mobs of men in Jack Daniels singlets yelling in unison ‘SHOW US YA TITS!!!’ then you are unlikely to have ever attended said event. Interestingly however, as the news report...
Getting movin'!
MH
My husband M is so disciplined about his exercise that – and he’ll readily admit this himself – he is a little selfish about it. There were times last year when I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I just had to get away from the damned baby when he’d breeze into the kitchen in his jogging gear to announce he would be gone for an hour MINIMUM. In fact, the only tense conversations...
December 2009
2 posts
In the spirit of lazy end of year journalism, I...
BB
1. Don’t let them walk on the road by themselves. Who woulda thunk it? This tip is admittedly directed squarely at my dear dad, who is woefully ill-versed in current child rearing practices (to wit, when I asked him to kindly remove the steak knives from the drawer that C most frequently paws about in, he turned to my mum and guffawed ‘How did kids ever survive childhood in the old...
Phew! 2009 is over
MH
Like nearly everyone else on the worldwide interweb I wanted to make a best-of 2009 list. But everything I wrote was a little lame. Either I was drivelling on with overly earnest ‘when I looked into my baby daughter’s eyes for the first time’ highlights, or my idea of ‘had-to-cross-my-legs-really-hard-so-as-not-to-pee-my-pants’ moments weren’t actually that funny at all once I’d gone to the...
That Joseph Heller was onto something ...
MH *
In moving house you must be sane enough to realise you need space for your future and your child to crawl/run about – yet in this realisation you have committed yourself to the insanity of moving with a child.
This all started in June when we thought it a good idea to take advantage of the real estate boom and sell our tiny workers cottage in über-desirable Northcote, and buy a larger...
Lesson learned ...
MH
First ever night away from T went like this: Dragged away from front door by best friend S who is coming with me to a Very Important Event in Sydney. Cry heartily for approximately one minute at the prospect of not seeing my baby’s two-teethed grin for 24 hours, but then become quickly excited about being temporarily relieved of mothering responsibilities. Flight is delayed and breasts are...
November 2009
4 posts
Shmemortions and Shmeasereans
BB
Has anyone ever seen an episode of the Ellen DeGeneres talk show? Pfft, I don’t know why I’m even bothering to ask; if you had, you wouldn’t be reading this – you’d have stuck your head in an oven already. I had the privilege of spending a week in hospital recently (I mean this sincerely – I love hospitals) which gave me time to reflect on a number of weighty issues, and also to watch the...
Give me the same old, same old ...
MH
Mother Holding Baby, Keith Haring, 1986
Being a mum of a small baby can be a bit of a dull business. Most days are pretty much the same: feed bubs, play with bubs, put bubs to bed, feed her again, go out for a walk/shop/coffee, feed again, put bubs to bed, and so on. So I thought I’d share an atypical morning we recently experienced.
After a late night at my book launch (Shock, Horror –...
Raindrops on roses, pitbulls with lipstick
BB
I hate my name. Sorry Mum. Fortunately I picked up a nickname in high school that has proved impossible to shake off, and while it’s a faintly ridiculous moniker (not a name you’d want to use when introducing yourself to a Nobel Prize for Science winner…more a name you’d imagine adorning the underwear label of a topless barmaid), it beats what I use when I sign on the dotted line. My...